My Sweet Little Broken Heart

In the reflective silence of the early morning, amidst ranking deals and linking printable coupons, my heart breaks for the mother I should be and the daughter who might be.  Might be what?  There is so much potential, so much beauty; inner and to behold, so much left to discover.  She is a vision of complete joy with unconditional and welcome arms for anyone who might need the brilliance of her smile.  Size, shape, or "in"ness matter little to her.  Everyone deserves her love.

Yesterday, as we readied her Christmas presents for friends at school she rattled off a list of names to address each tag.  'This one is for Drue" she said.  "She's handicapped but I don't care, I want to give her one too.  She's my friend!"  In a cynical world which judges a book by it's cover, in a junior high crowd which predetermines a student's worth, my sweet little broken heart judges no one.  As a mother, what more can I ask for!?  So, am I too selfish to wish only for a more perfect heart? 

I remember as if it were yesterday when the pediatric cardiologist began fumbling with miniature heart models and pictures.  "L-Transposition, your daughters heart is backwards" was all I really heard before the room began to spin uncontrollably.  Only two days old and my sweet little Baylee, the first life I helped bring into this world, was perched perilously on the edge of mortality.  I tried to take notes, to take in every bit of information I could absorb, but the shock and hormones kept fighting my reality into disarray.  Through drowning floods of tears I told myself it would be fine, she would be fine.  We could beat this thing right?

It's been over 12 years since my fate was changed, intertwined with that small and fragile broken heart.  Countless nights I have climbed into her little bed to whisper how sorry I was that I could not be a better mother to her after yelling over silly disagreements, to apologize for the broken heart I gave her and for the tremendous struggles yet to come.  Through a renewed flood of tears I whisper how beautiful she is, that I love her with all my heart, and that it will all be ok. To look at her sleeping there no one would know her heart beats off course or that her body is slowly tiring from the strain.  Miraculous, many would say, referring to her unchanging condition for the past decade.  But then, I knew this day would come - the day when the array of previously encouraging doctors would walk in the room and deliver the news that life would change and repair was now necessary.

Next week my sweet little broken heart will prepare for her first heart surgery and undergo a cardiac MRI to determine her heart's strength.  Regardless of the test results I already know the strength of her heart - unbreakable!  Mine is not so unyielding.  I weep in the silence of the night surrounded by coupons and grocery ads so no one can hear the sorrow of my broken heart.

So if you see me a little absent from posting as much on Savvy Shopper Deals off and on over the next few weeks (I'll try to keep posting as usual for the most part, 'cause doctors don't take coupons you know!) just know that while I do love coupons and deals my heart is where it should be, with my daughter.